Friday, 2 December 2011

Grateful For



I'm linking up with Maxabella tonight for I'm grateful for ....* Maxabella loves...: This week I'm grateful for... conversation
I have been reading tonight some wonderful blogs about what your grateful for and some fantabulous mothers going through or been through PND. This prompted me to tell a little about my story...
I HAVE DEPRESSION, seems easy to type or say those three words doesn't it. Not for me. The hardest words I have ever had to acknowledge. I'm the strong one, the funny one, the fix everybody elses shit one...aren't I? Not at the moment, everyone else in the world is just going to have to enjoy the mind numbing, tear your hair out, want to stab yourself in the eye, on hold music whilst I look after me.

If I am honest I can not pin point when it started or how, I know when I started to feel the black cloud, the anxious moments of feeling I can't breathe, I want to run and keep running and nobody will ever find me, it was during my second pregnancy.
There were significant dramas going on with my partners family (which I've blogged about earlier Achoo You: Busy Busy Busy) and normally I would take control of the situation but I had nothing, no energy, just emptiness and everyone around me didn't know what to do. I had helped and organised my inner circle for so long, nobody knew what to do when that went away. This is a work in progress. We are all working as one.
This brings me to what I am grateful for... My children, both my girls were not expected to be born, both had arrhythmia and did it tough. They have both showed how strong willed they are and still are to this day (sometimes I am not so grateful for that). When the days are overwhelming and I sit myself aside and do an hour by hour plan to get through the day, when all is quiet and Miss T and Miss A have succumbed to Mr Sandman, I kneel down by each cot/bed and thank them silently for making it through and for reminding me that I am worth something even though I may forget most days.
That's what I am grateful for x x x x x





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2 comments :

  1. Such a hard thing to acknowledge and deal with. I am grateful that you are pulling through and your daughters are your beautiful gifts.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I wish you didn't have to go through depression, Beth. It seems to suck on every level. But you're right - just because you're depressed, doesn't mean you're not grateful or happy sometimes. I'm very glad for that indeed. x

    ReplyDelete

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